Posted on August 11, 2012
Things are strange right now. Really strange.
I’ve been sitting on my couch for the last hour trying to do some long term planning. It’s not going well.
Every time I try and come up with a rewarding and fulfilling endpoint to work towards, I fail.
There’s nothing there. LITERALLY nothing. I can’t come up with anything that I would find empowering, ecxiting, and interesting.
So, I tried a different route. I asked myself:
If I was going to die in two months, what would I do?
The answer surprised me: nothing.
I literally feel, for the first time ever, that I’m at a point in my life where I could die and feel incredibly satisfied and happy knowing that it was the end.
I’ve made my mark, I’ve made a difference to the world, and now, everything is wrapped up.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to go a jump off a cliff or anything stupid like that. But if I was told that I had a life threatening illness and that I only had a month to live, I would be totally ok with it.
It’s really strange. Mostly because death is something that I’ve run from for a long time.
I always felt like there was something more to do or something more to achieve.
And now, as I sit here typing this, in my loungeroom at 10:40pm on a Saturday night, I don’t feel like there’s anything left.
It’s so strange…
I guess the inevitable question that comes up at a time like this is: why?
What’s different about this very moment compared to other moments?
The only thing I can offer in return is that I’m reaching a place in my life right now, where I not only logically know that I’m the complete creator of my experience of life, but I can create the experience I want in any moment.
If I want to be fulfilled, I can be fulfilled.
If I want to feel connected, I can feel connected.
I don’t need to worry about finding freedom because I experience myself as the complete creator of my experience in every moment.
And because of that, there’s nothing left to gain, to create, to experience, or to achieve.
It’s all inside me. It’s all in my hands. I am the complete creator of my experience and I’ve created everything that I was working towards.
Interesting…. Let’s see how I feel about this tomorrow…
NOTE: feature image by Torbein